I know it’s been months since I’ve posted anything, but it really does seem like a lifetime. I realized that I’m stuck between to possibilities, and I can’t believe I’d ever think of any but one.

It turns out I’ve become found of this person who I could never match up to. I’m not found of him in a romantic way; I just crave to hear him talk, and want to be close to him. The only tinsy problem is that I can never impress him enough to hold his interest. It’s horrifying to think that I would become less to him than what I already am, and that barley is as big as the thought of cream cheese or butter on your bagel in the morning; pretty faint. I have this need, this unhealthy want to make him happy again, with little things I could show him. Things that make me happy, and want to share with someone just though the fact that I care for him without being so deeply entwined, or ‘in love’. See, I don’t think of him like that, it’s more of a fondness. I vivid detail of how I want to have this image of someone who I can pretty much tell anything to and they’d tell me exactly what they think without having to worry if I’d lose them, or the fact that I depend on them for love. Not that he’d ever want such a thing. Remember, I’m basically a bagel..
Point being, I crave his voice, just because it’s just about the only one I can actually feel comfortable listening to while being insulted, but in a good way. I know, that doesn’t make a bit of since.
I really hope he doesn’t figure out this is him. That’d be awkward. Hah.

Then I’m, well, in love with this guy who I mentioned before. I can’t seem to let go of the fact that he isn’t here, in the same state, like he used to be, and hasn’t since he left for a job that pays well. He had to, because he was so fortunate to have family that had no idea how to give a child what they need. Don’t get me wrong, his mother’s very loving and darling; but she never really did anything for him. I’m not going to go into his life story, but I will say that he hasn’t had the best of the veal. Turns out, when he graduated, he was promised a car, (for that fact that he lived in the smallest town imaginable, and work wasn’t an option without a care to get into a close city.) but they had lied to him. His options were to move in with his family again, somewhere in southern Florida, or go live in Texas to start a job on a very popular oil rig, if they can be such things, and work for a good pay. The only down fall is that he’s been gone for about seven months, visiting only once in one of them. It’s hard for me to admit this, but I don’t believe he’s ever going to come back. I know he loves me, but I can’t figure out why it’s so hard to show it through acts of thoughtfulness over the distance. Sometimes I find him somewhat naive. I don’t think I get along with people like that, for the fact that I’m so arrogant. He’s everything but, and that’s why I’m so attached to him; he’s very blind in the world’s view. That, and he’s someone I can always count on. I love him so, but I don’t know what to do, and I’m not intending on figuring it our anytime soon. Not until he comes back for good. That might be one hell of a while, but I’m not that impatient.

 I can’t share the things that I wish to share with the another with the person I’m in love with because I know I will be shot down. It’s deeper than what it appears. I can share things with him, but I’m not so sure our relationship will be the same. I share things with possibility one that I’d probably never tell anyone else, for that fact that he’s so damn understanding, I can’t believe he’s human.

They’er both possibilities because I’ll always have one without the other. It’s sick to look at it that way, but I know I’m telling the truth.

I might not ever get close to possibility one, but the idea of being able to share things with him, seeing things with him makes my stomach spin. In a good way. I don’t have that much experience  with him in person, but I wish that could change. He’s a good friend, and I just want to show him I can be there.

Possibility two is someone I can sit and just shut up with. Not a bit of awkward silence. Someone I can connect with mentally, and in this void of love that was built on something everyone thought was wrong. He’s someone who is the complete opposite of me, and we fit into that so nicely. We complete the other half of each others minds, and that’s how nothing can tare use away. It’s interesting, I’m addicted to the idea of spending the rest of my life with him.
Then, I’m addicted to the idea of having this ongoing friendship with this stranger I’ve only known over the phone. We’re awkward when we have been around each other, and I love it. It’s that feeling of uncomfortable sage that I find it more and more appealing. I could have that with anyone, but not someone so brutally honest. It’s like sitting in a room with a velociraptor and a chess game to far along. Brilliant.

Basically this conflict has been keeping me from actually bitching about things you, my blog, WANT to hear about. I know I’m talking to an imaginary figment, but It’s still relaxing to know that you’re at least loyal.

I’m such a loser, in the correct term. This whole post probably made no since, but that’s my feelings for yea. 

-Steph. 

Totally didn’t write yesterday, and I thought about it right as I was falling asleep. You really couldn’t scrape me off of that bed; I was so tired, I literally fell asleep with my hair still wet from a shower, and my lights still on. Very unnatural for me; I usually have to make sure I’m comfortable before I go to bed at night. Now naps, their a complete different story.. Why am I talking about my sleeping habits? Oh, geese.

Anyway, yeah, that’s my excuse. Sorry I didn’t make it to my imaginary session, inviable therapist. I’ve had a fair day today, though. Even though I took another sick day yesterday, making two days, it was pretty easy breezy going back today. A lot better that I thought it was going to be, at least. I have oodles of homework, of course; but I’m not as backed up as I could of been, thankful that the Points of Writing day threw them off a bit. Points of Writing day is where all the students in the school get to select (Unfortunately, I didn’t. I was sick when selecting was going on.) four classes to sit thou today about the many different kinds of writing. For example, there was Journalism, Script, Songwriting, Five Senses, etc. It was great, even though I didn’t choose which to go to, they were chosen for me. I’m pretty sure I enjoyed the visiting author the most, though. She was inspiring, speaking about the books she had written, and her techniques. I adore listening to fellow writers, even though I haven’t finished a book, yet.

She inspired me to go ahead an get my huge collection poetry published into a book. I’ve wavered about it, thinking that I’d most likely spend more money than make any; but I finally understand that if I don’t do it now, will I ever? Probably not. So I’m going to take a leap. And yeah, I write poetry. It’s my passion, but I take time with my work. It’s not all emotional and whiny like depressed kids wanting to have their voices heard by the man. No, I write poetry based on what I go thou everyday; not necessarily the bad things. What I see, what I hear. I’m the type of writer who plays the fancy rhyming game, and loves to play with words. I actually can’t stand non-rhyming poetry; it doesn’t seem very thought out or flowing. It seems a bit lazy. Personally, that’s the opposite of poetry. Lazy.

Anyway, it was pretty basic today. After first and second period were taken up with the Points of Writing, I had went to third and forth like any other day. I had probably the most work in Biology. God, my work is so backed up in there. That’s where most of my homework is coming from. Bummer, because you would think, it being my favorite subject, I wouldn’t be. Mainly it’s because I just transfered from a school in another state about three weeks ago, and before that, I was out a solid month while moving; so you could say I went thou the doors blind, on that one. Eh, I’ll figure it out; I always do. Sometimes..

I was so happy to come home today. My head has been killing me. Turns out, I don’t have strep throat, but I have an awful sinus infection. If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s being sick at school. To be frank, I want to kill everyone. Not so great.

Thank God Joey’s going to be here soon. I wish I could fall asleep on him; he’s so warm, and smells like fresh rain. Oh, how I miss him, and the way he holds me while I sleep. Hmm, just thinking about it makes me want to curl up in a little ball and snuggle. Haha.

I’m gonna go take a nap anyway. Even if my lovely isn’t here. That’s it; thanks, invisible Doc.

-Steph 

I’m fairly sure I’m going to start blogging daily, hence the cliché date title. I don’t know why, I just find my days more satisfying talking to an imaginary therapist in my head, simultaneously typing my thoughts. Yeah, I know.

Today was pretty dry. I took a sick day form school, pending that I might have strep throat. I slept for most of the morning, and woke to the satisfaction of feeling better. I think I might have it, but I was put on Antibiotic so fast, I think I’ll be fine with going back to school tomorrow. I really can’t miss any more days. If I do, I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail. That wouldn’t be fun. I’m not looking forward to going back, though. Every time I stay out, I get the High school backup. Out one day, behind about seven. What with moving, I’m already struggling with my classes, and not to mention I have to make up French and World History 1 online because French isn’t offered at Arnold High, and I didn’t have enough room on my scheduled for WH1. Oh joy.

Personally, coming for an honors student, I wish I would have taken it anyway. I wont get what I need in an online class for such an important subject. It really did fire me up when the snooty, up tight supervisor told me that was the only way; although her body language say differently. I argued with her until I was blue in the face, so I settled before I got myself into trouble. Not a good idea for a new student, I guess. Still, I would have loved to tell her that her hair was a very unnatural purple form the intending color I bet she was aiming for. Hah.

Most of my days so far at Arnold have been pleasant; anything is better than the rundown, crumbling and dangerous Dothan High. I do spend most of my lunches alone, though. I good price to pay for not getting stabbed at my old lunchroom. Literally. I think it’s like that for most new students, though. At least the ones who have blue hair and dark makeup. Eh, I enjoy the resistance; it grew on me in Dothan. Being to myself gives me more time to think, to study. I need that, according to doctors who have glanced, let alone studied my ADHD and dyslexic records. I get distracted easily, apparently. Even if I have the consent motivation that I have to work twice as hard as my other peers in the classroom, (sarcasm) I’m still striving, clutching to Honors classes. I’m considering on taking General, though. Eh, ‘nother day ‘nother story.

Anyway. I mostly read today. I’m currently reading The Morganville Vampires. Sounds pathetic, but I enjoy them. I recommend them if you like fantasy. I’ve been hooked on the book ever since I bought it.

I haven’t did much more than that. I cleaned a bit with Grandma, and Facebooked.  Checking every now and then if I’ve heard from an old friend, Destin. I sent a message; but more that likely, I expect him to regard it as the rest. I’m starting to figure it’s a wild goose chase, lost cause. It knots my stomach to think of it that way, though. I really wish I could help him, considering that I thought of him as a brother-I-had-never-met-but-talked-to-on-a-daily-basis kind if friend. We met over Myspace, I know, lame. But he stuck on me, and not many people do. He inspired me. We had lost touch when he had found other, more important-much more interesting people, I’m guessing. I don’t know. I’m really not that sure. Now that I’m back in Panama City Beach, I thought I’d be able to actually meet him, and give him a great big hug. I see that dream hazing as well. Oh, well. Maybe I’ll luck up, and he’ll come to his scenes. He’s one of those friends I just can’t let go of, you know?

I also talked to Joey today. His constant change of schedule keeps me on edge, and when I can’t talk to him, I worry my little head off. I still haven’t shaken the dreadful fact that he works on an oil rig, and I don’t think I ever well. It’s not a settling idea for a girlfriend, alright. I honestly can’t wait for him to come home, and I can wrap myself around his warm body without a worry in the world, just for what seems forever in a reality of seconds. He’s the only person that can unwind me just like that. I guess that’s how he gets me. Haha.

We talked out books, strangely, and a few other pointless topics lovebirds chatter about when on the phone. He really is my world. If only I could live in it more than I do now. I guess, all in time. He’ll be back soon. Yeah?

I’m pretty sure I’ll blog tomorrow, unless something pops up.

I guess that’s it. Thanks imaginary therapist. TTY tomorrow.

-Stephi

Geese, I don’t know where to start. I guess with, the move went great! I’m finally in my beloved Panama City Beach again. To be frank with you, I couldn’t be more satisfied with Arnold High School, and how I’m around my favorite people again. The only thing I’m having trouble with is that I’ve been away for so long, I might have lost the friendship between myself and them, and put a huge distance gap between us. I can’t seen to find the right words while talking to them, because I’ve been around people who I had to lead for so long. It’s like the teacher being stumped. I love them so much, I just can’t seem to break the ice. I don’t know if I should just move on, (Not away from all of them, just the ones who have changed so much, there is no relation there anymore.) or keep trying vigorously, since this is what I’ve been waiting for for almost three years. I don’t know what to do. I mean, there are a few who are die hard friends of mine, but it seems they had just moved on..

It makes me feel horrible, it really does. I had waited so long, up in what seemed like a desert without water, to come back and reunite out love circle; and now, it is treated like it had never happened. Well, few are. Others have mostly just demoted me, and found new best friends, and I’m now just spoken of as a simple friend. It’s like, all the stuff we used to talk about isn’t there anymore. All of their new friends, in some sort of way, molded them for their topics, and they no longer what to talk about Naruto, Manga, or even our favorite long line of book series! I’m seriously secretly pouting here, and I wish SOMEONE would notice. Yes, okay. I’m attention hungry right now. I just went through another great change, which isn’t an issue, don’t get me wrong; but, I deserve some sort of love! Or at least I think I do.

Probably what has bothered me the most is that all the new people they hang out with are nice, and I really can say it’s a joy to be around them, but I feel like I’m so ‘different’ (I guess) that they really don’t know how to start a conversation with me. I want more than anything to get close to all these people, but it’s hard to keep up with lifetime friends who have been together while I was somewhere in what I call a wasteland. I’m stuck, that’s for sure. I’m so stuck, it’s like I’m stuck in a happy limbo. I love this place with all my heart and them more, and all the different people in it, but I can’t seem to get used to the change; even though I was so for sure I’d be fine. I can be so smug before the wave, it’s really not a good thing. I just wish I can get closer to them, and stop being so distant..

Maybe it’s me? Did I form a kind of distance platform while I was in Dothan to keep myself safe? If I did, I wish I could shake it; because I don’t need it anymore! Huh, I guess if I trained myself once, I can so it again.

On a lighter note, Joey’s moving here soon, and he’s really all that I want. I love my friends to death, but a different love. Joey and I are tied forever, and I honestly can’t wait until I can see him every day. You know, I still haven’t mentioned how him and I met. I’ll do that for my next post.

Anyway, I guess you can say I’m overreacting a bit, and it is like the last month of school. If anything, it will be much better next year. Maybe I just needed something to blog about. You know, to get whining out of my system? Probably. All I know is, I can’t wait to start my new life here, and regain everything when I left. But to be honest, it’s better than I had dreamed. I really truly did miss it. Everyone is lovely here, and I can’t wait to party with new people. Thank God, I’m around crazy natural drunks again.

-Stephi

While moving the remains out of our storage room today, I stopped to take a quick, but refreshing break. Casually sliding through my iPod albums I, for some reason, made a connection between two bands; and a question generated:

-Skid Row or Guns n’ Roses?

Although Guns ‘n Roses were amazing back in the day, they’re pretty pathetic now. What with no Slash, and band members with lack of talent. I can assure you I don’t know their names at all. Without Duff McKagan and Izzy Stradlin, Axel’s voice isn’t as appealing as I thought it would be. Also, Axel isn’t getting any younger, and he’s really seen better days. Although, once upon a time, he was freaking gorgeous. Their band drama had always been entertaining, too. They had always been a band that will never leave my heart, the original one, that is.

Ever since I heard them as a tiny tater tote, and as my mom was still living out her glory days, I’ve liked them.

But on the other hand, Skid Row had similar vocals, for what little time Sebastian Bach was the lead singer and all. (Personally, I like his vocals the best out of the group who came and went, stayed, whatever.) His vocals weren’t nearly as strong and raw as Alex’s, though. BUT, the lack of drama in Skid Row throughout the band made up for it in a way. Sebastian Bach Is sexier than Axel Rose, too. Haha, to me. they didn’t get as popular as I wished they had; because, while in the time frame and set up with Sebastian Bach, they kicked it. Even though I’m sure that they probably bombed while Sebastian wasn’t singing, considering that the other band members tired; but to my light, failed. It seems that what little stardom they had, it was lost when Sebastian left. Today, I’m not all to for sure their band is still going, (Kinda to lazy to check.) but, I personally think they’ll never be as good as they once were. Oh, and I’ve always been fond of them, too.

*Both amazing bands, but I’m torn.

I pondered for a bit longer. I still couldn’t choose. For the fact that Guns n’ Roses are, and always will be legends of rock, it makes me feel like the bad guy for not picking Skid Row.. But even though Skid Row will always be thing 2, I have to pick them if based on music.

Now, if we were basing it on looks, that’s a different story. Guns n’ Roses would win the cup; even though I’m a die hard fan of Sebastian. Oh, Slash. You beat Sebastian by a land slide.

So there you have it, my thoughts for today; as far as the only topic in my decent enough to type. What do you think?

Skid Row, or Guns n’ Roses?

-Stephi

I’d have to say my iPod Touch. <3

I didn’t mind it so much as I was moving from Panama City Beach, FL to Dothan, AL with my family, because I was blind as to how good I had it, and took like 45746783563467 things for granted. I was thirteen, and it was probably normal; but I had a rude awakening. Dothan, AL turned out to be the worst freaking headache of my life.For the whole two and a half years I lived there.

Sure, I met a few friends; but, for the fact that those friends weren’t really friends, just people to fill an empty void in my life, I wasn’t very nice to them in the beginning. I never cared for the first year I was there about where they came from, who their family was, or even their name. All I wanted was someone to play video games with. (Sad thing is, none of them were any good at that, either..) But, after the first year, I had grown some sort of pink fuzzy for these people with no personality, and pitied them enough to ask about their history, meet their family, and remember their name. Soon, I realized that these pathetic losers actually had a personality, they just hide it away because their life has been a horrible wreck (Not really, they just hate it because they’ve lived in Dothan their entire life, never left, never seen the damned beach even though they live JUST two fucking hours away from Panama City Beach!) and it seemed like they actually wanted me to pity them. After a while, my ‘Don’t worry, I’m going to be moving back in a few days anyway, I wont be here for to long’ way of thinking wore off, and I started talking to these losers as actual human beings. Now, I know what you’re probably thinking: She treated them like animals, who throw poop at each other and smell. Well, you’re right. I did. For the fact that I hated that place so bad, I grew a hatred for the people as well. But, I soon realized, despite the racial tension and and lack of good music, I found a few in the crowd who wern’t to damaged, and tried to fix them. Anyway, actual human beings.. Oh, yeah! And I guess you can say I became a sort of sanctuary for them; a person with all the answers and can solve all your issues. A therapist/psychiatrist for them; and I enjoyed it for about another year. It was great, because I actually wanted to major in psychiatry in collage. I liked solving their issues when ever I could. It was a sort of sanctuary for me, as well. But after the fact that I got tired of hearing about how Jessica stole Franciska’s man again, and gave him head in the lunchroom, I soon realized this is not what I wanted; it was mainly a hobby to get the fact that I left all my real friends back home in PCB. I soon started to get snappy, and be less helpful. I’ve put on quite a few pounds then I needed to; and now, actually getting to move back to PCB, It’s going to be so much harder for me to lose it, and regain my sanity. And in the mist of all this, I had been writing poetry that would blow the minds (so I’ve been told) of millions. I’m still writing, but I found I had most passion listing to these people, and writing about them. Writing about how I felt behind closed walls. Because, let’s face it, I was the one everyone was running to; but I had no on to run to. Except my mom, but does she really count when you’re sixteen? Eh. Not so much.

So after many months of praying, my wishes finally came true. We’re moving back, but now I’ve grown a sort of soft spot to certain people who I could actually care less about.. Does that make since? I mean, of course I dated, but didn’t find anyone in particular until I met Joey, my graduate boyfriend who now lives in Texas because of a job offer; the one person I actually felt like I gained while being there. And he wasn’t even from Dothan. Funny. He was from Southport, FL, but moved to Hartford, AL, and even worse little eye sore of a town just outside of Dothan. I met him threw a friend who was the manager of Joey’s band, and wanted to fuck me, but soon hated me because, once I seen Joey, he had to be mine. He was the bass player, but soon quit for the lack of the other band mates enthusiasm of dating me, and hatred. It was okay with him, though, for the the fact that he went on doing what he loved, it just became a hobby.

Anyway! ( sorry about that, I get off track easily.) Now I’m moving back, and all these people. People who I don’t like but do like, aren’t whining as much as I want them to. To help them so much with their issues, even the ones who I pity fucked and called my boyfriends, wont even miss the Stephi. Yeah, you’re probably thinking: Why the hell should they, you self-centered brat? BECAUSE, I was practically their momma; since their real mommas were pieces of shit, and had no life training or any wits on how to raise a child. It’s just simple common sense, though. And I put my time and effort into those damn kids, and to leave and them to go back to the same zombie-ass-of-a-human would kill me. It’s like I formed a special bond with them from changing them.To me, 95% of the time, change is for the person’s own good. I looked deep down inside these kids and found what they really wanted to be, instead of the generic Alabama girl, ‘I’ma prom queen, that’s mah dream, cowboys are steamy, my waist like is tiny, and the rest of the world I have never nor will see.’ Yep, that sums them up; either that, or the, ‘Look at me, I’m depressed, give me some attetion before I make my repuataion a mess, I’ll write all night on facebook about the workd hating my hair, and I can’t stand you because you don’t like Twilight.’ That’s what I had to work with. Regardless, I fixed them, and brought out the real person dying to get out. And for them to lose that, I’d puke. EVERYWHERE.

Eh. I guess the only way to get it off my mind is to just forget about it, of course being hard for me. Well, at least I’m moving to a place I love and know; but the fact that I wasted away for almost three years, gaining weight, and going slightly insane annoys me.

God, I hate moving.

-Stephi

By the way, I don’t know how Tumblr works, so give me advise?